von

when i look back, it's honestly something so bittersweet. just like all of my friendships that i've had over the past few years..it's all so crazy. a nice amount of people have came and gone and it seems like a new set of friends are about to come into place in my life. so i'm just really curious to see how things will be next year. i'm over quite a few things that use to bother me, but then i'm realizing more because of that, so now i'm basically where i was when 2007 started. i think this time i may actually need to seek help and not drive my self crazy with my own tactics to cure my self. so many past crushes i've had, i can truly say i am over them..even the current one i've recently just had, charles. i mean, the guy is very attractive but i know what he's capable of and i am sooo not down with that lol. i can not afford to have another moment like senior year, even though i doubt i won't be half as bad but i'm just too old for that. even with guillermo, i mean he's awesome and super cute and i bet he'd be nice to mess around with but i can't deal with that either so i'm very glad we both somewhat let go of that ghost. then on the other hand, i'm still not over Rob. i think it's actually at it's peak right now, like it's seriously getting just a little out of hand. he is mostly all i could ever ask for in a man. he's hispanic, edge, outrageously cute and attractive, loves music ans has a lot in common with me but still more diverse than my self, he's tough, he hangs out with a crew, he obv isn't a coward, and he's nice to me whenever we speak. like i know he's fond of me, but i have no idea if he's looking to see if i'm interested in him as well..or even on that level. like i can't exactly explain it. i would love to be friends with him and just have some corky, odd friendship/relationship that nobody understands but us. i would DEF be on the low with him. i don't care, nobody need's to know my business and i could see us doing all kinds of trips just us two with none of our friends really knowing what's going on. i'd love to spend time with him alone, but the thing is..i doubt i could hold his attention for that long for him to want to be with me. that's another thing. like it feels like i don't have enough charisma to entertain him, or just idk. i know he's emotional, and that's a good thing but meh i'm not going to get my hopes up. like i don't even really want to have sex with him, even though i find him horribly sexy sometimes. ofcourse i'd love to hold down the dick, but i'd rather have something so much deeper than that. and with him i think it's actually possible for us to go out, and just enjoy each other..get to know each other and just be friends that are open with their feelings but ofcourse it'll be on the low like i said before. but idk, maybe i'm obessing and just over reacting. but i know he likes me too, but idk at what level or if he even understands it. but idk. whatever. i'm going to let it go.