all up and through.

i think i'm going to name my new band's first full length release that. it's something megan say a lot..and honestly, there's so much meaning to that phrase/saying. and that's why i think it'd be perfect. it could fit anyone's state of mind. so far, shit has been going very well with chris. like it's so scary how we found each other. like i don't want to say this is..like, meant to be..and we're absolutely meant for one another..it's just the fact we've both been through so much bull shit. like it's just insane..like i can go on and on about my past, and stories he's often and still shares with me. i think just that struggle we've both been through will be just the thing we both need to motivate us to be better then everyone or any other project we've ever been in. we both like, love and appreciate the same bands..and overall we have the same vision and i love it so much. the fact that he believes in me is just mindblowing it's self. like i've never had anyone truly build me up like he does. all i was use to was the way shit was with ral for the past..eh, 5 years or so. and this time around shit's going to be so differently. also like..i'm having control issues. like it's weird. i quit WLAS because i didn't feel like i got to express my self like i wanted to. like i know how i want shit to go..and it would kinda hurt me if it didn't sound like i intended on it to. i've put so much work and time into these structures i have. like ppl need to understand..these aren't half baked ideas or just riffs that's just been flying around..these are songs i've been kinda putting my heart into ya know? like friday, we jamed with mike (former drummer) and a new bassist..like the bassist was unbelievable..but he seriously rubbed me the wrong way. something wasn't right about him, then the fact he isn't familiar with any off the bands that mold and help inspire me. he's a real bassist and i love that, but that just isn't enough. i want our shows to be filled with emotion..and energy and i highly doubt he'll be able to bring that. plus, like i want to be terribly honest, but right now i'm not a looker..maybe in a few years or so. but not now. like, the next bassist and drummer that joins..they MUST be attractive. i don't want this band to be about looks, but this band must have an image you know? like i want us to have a look. i want us to not look awkward. i want us to look together and we're on our shit in every aspect. like i want our shows to be so over whelming. i want ppl to feel so many emotions when songs buildup and break down..i just want ppl to just let go off all the problems/stress that they have at home..at work, with friends and family..or any other insecurities. i want ppl to feel like our shows are just a get away for them..and also healing for them. i want them to feel that this band is theirs just as much as it's ours. but back to the bassist..we were working on a song..that's ambient..and like, he was giving suggestions which is cool..but the mood of the song changed into song i never want this and to sound like. i like wax on radio, and the ability is cool..but i don't want to be thrown into that post hardcore with an indie edge scene. so basicly..i'm just going to re-evaluate shit, and just take what he told me..but still keep that shoe-gaze fill to the song. i think it's for the better and i want to thank him for giving me the idea. now the song is a little bit longer. and another thing, he isn't use to not getting paid for shows. like he actually got money for playing with bands. see if he was with us, for the first year a lot of shit would be out of our own pockets and know that'd make him quit or just shit would get super sour fast. and then i just don't know how i feel about him..and Chris is cool with all of this so we're going to look for someone else. now on to mike. nigga hasn't played drums since our last show together feb. 24th..which is a long ass time. he played very well..but he's just bothering me. like we were trying to jam for the longest and something would always come up. but last friday it finally worked out. it was chris' idea to let him play with us..because at first he didn't want to be bothered with him after i told him the low down on how he was in WLAS. not paying for shit when it was really needed..like the shirts, cds, and studio time. but the bad thing is i kinda made mike feel that me and him we're going to stick together when we hung out at looptopia..so now he thinks we're in this together..but honestly, chris is everything i've dreamed for. like i can't say i've been praying for him because that's a lie. but he's everything i want. he isn't as hot like i want himt o be..but i know with some nice clothes..a beard and an interesting hair cut/doo he'd be pretty cool looking. so like..mike is starting to make me look bad. like it's bothering me just a little. like on the way to practice we talked so much and it was just great to be around him because he's such a great guy..but his words aren't reliable at all..and i know know better by now. like he was just saying how he wants shit to work out..and he's just ready to get shit on the roll..but it's like..i asked if he's willing to put money down for shit..he said "i have no choice..i want this shit to work out man." and it's like..dude wtf..because me and chris had a talk about friday. and like..he wasn't too sure about mike..but i vouched so much for him and that pisses me off. like chris kinda bit his lip and just trusted me..and now when chris was like..alright, just tell him i want to get a practice spot in a few weeks and he needs to help pay..and now when i TXT'd this fool..he is acting all weird. so man, it's like..wtf, i gotta tell chris this shit..so now this is making my judgement seem bad. i cant let chris think bad of me because he's all i have right now..but what ever, i'm not going to let mike fuck this up for me. so if i can't reason with mike in the next few days i'm going to move on and get someone else that fully understands the kind of dynamics and fills i want in my music. like, it seems like for now..we're going to focus on finding a drummer..getting shit tight, then a bassist..then me and chris are going to work constantly..but the band thing is, we gotta get this nigga a half stack and a guitar. not shitty gear..just better then decent..if he's willing to spend around 2500 i could def make something work. because he will need..a half stack (500-800) a guitar(300-550) and two pedals (tuner, and delay). of course he'd only play guitar when it's only REALLY needed..and so far that would only be less then half of the set list..so he'd be free to roam the stage and go nuts..then just quickly go back towards the backline and strap his self up. like sometimes he'd only have to play for parts of songs. like it would just be interesting watching him go all over doing shit..and i plan on getting a keyboard (or two) sometime..so like just all kind of shit would be going on..like, having bells and tambourines laying around on stage. like shit's going to be interesting..like i want us to have wild and werid jam/improv sessions going on inbetween songs..like i just want stuff to kinda be like how post rock bands, and the mars volta is..just like, no pauses inbetween songs. like..of course we're going to have talking, but i want to keep that slightly min. lol. like i want it to be like an experience that most concert goers haven't been apart of. me and chris also want to invest in lights..a backdrop and all kinds of shit..like we want ppl to just feel like they're not in a room. like we're going to be redic loud..like the drummer must have a good set..then me with my 100 watt guitar head and two cabs..chris on some songs with a 100 watt head also..and the sick ass ampeg shit lol. but once we get more known..and we meet more ppl someone will join so chris wont have to play anymore. but for now i'll just leave it to him. later on while the band grows..i want to get darker..and more experimental..but for now i just want to keep shit..dramatic, bright, energetic, and just..idk. but yeah, i'm going to sleep now lol.