oh wow.

like so much is going on..and honestly, i feel that it's way beyond time that i owe my self to spill all of my thoughts. like this whole Guillermo thing, i absolutely don't know whats going on anymore. like i want him..i really do, but it seems like that window has now closed. even though i really don't want it to. i need him now more then ever, like i really need affection i can only get by being alone with someone. like i know it wouldn't be like you adv hook up, and that's why i want it to be with him more so than anyone else. like it would be something kinda special. like he'd most likely try to kiss me and just hold me. and then like..i dream about him, it's so weird. like it usually comes when i wake up..and then i just lay around in my bed and eventually doze off for like, eh....10-20 mins? and then the little dream pops up. the first one i had over a month ago...it was me and him, laying in a bed, and like..he was just holding me and we were cuddling, and just making out. like i'm getting chills kinda thinking about it..then i woke up, and went back to sleep, then we were still making out and he was holding me..and i started to fondle him down there and shit started to get hot..eventually, i started to give him oral then i woke up not too much longer after that. it was pretty interesting. then later on..idk if it was a week or 3 after but i had another dream..i was driving, and idk what was going on..but we pulled up to the curb and pulled down the window and started talking to Guillermo. idk what was said, then ge got in the car. then later on i had another dream...lol i know this is crazy. but we were suppose to jam at my house so many times but it never worked out..but in my dream, he came over and we were pretty much done..and when he was leaving out of the basement..we were walking towards the door and he stopped and looked back at me, and he got a little close to me..looked me in the eye and he put his hands on my hips and pulled me close to him and he whispered in my ear "i feel the same way too". then he kinda like kissed my neck and i think we kiss but i woke up. that was the last dream i had..and this was weeks ago. so today..i ended up taking a short nap..and in my dream..we were having sex, and honestly..it was everything i've amagined it to be. he held me close to him, even though he was on top of me. like it didn't seem like a hook up cuz the sun was out and it was just so..passionate and it felt like he meant it..like we were even kissing to while he was doing his slow yet inconsistent stokes inside of me. ahahaha, it sounds like i'm writing an erotica. but yeah, it was nice..and we both seemed into it. then after..both sweaty laying around what seemed to look like my bed. he was just holding me..we were just cuddling, and all smiles. like it was just..eerie, i didn't get it..like it was almost perfect. then i got up, and came back into the room with (i don't remember if it was slices or pieces of) pizza and a can of diet coke..like the look on his face was just in shock. like..he looked like, "oh wow..this guy is serious taking care of me..he honestly know what i like and i appreciate him for thinking about me." lol i know that's a bad description..but he just looked so pleased and happy and just in awe that i got my man..or what ever he was to me in that dream. like, honestly..i miss him. i really do. and i let go, and he seems like the type of guy..he won't do anything unless he's 100% positive the other person feels the same way..or just won't put up an effort even if that's the case anyway. he's a weird guy, and i like that in him. he could be a great man-friend to come home to from being busy touring or doing band shit. like just hang out...do shit, and just enjoy each other. like is that much to ask for? i'm not asking him to be my man and completely commit to me. it'd be nice to feel loved and wanted sometimes you know? i know he could do that in his own shy/corkey/lazy way. like man, how he just aimlessly keeps on calling me randomly when i least expect it. well not randomly..it seems like whenever i spend all morning laying around in bed thinking about him..sometime later one he ends up calling me or getting on AIM and having an actually convo with out signing off super fast. like i just wonder..what would it really be like to be in his arms and taste those sexy pink lips. like he's just so fucking cute to me. like i can see my self..riding in a van with chris..and other guys i don't know yet..and i'm sitting in the back txt'n him back in forth..or just randomly getting phone calls from him late at him..on complete utter bull shit cuz he misses me and just funds and excuse to call me..but it seems so cute..cuz he already does it now. like how he called me to tell me his ears were better...like it's just wild..and last friday how he bought the new linkin park album and why does tom(AVA/B182) dresses "gay" now. like wtf. all the aimless phone calls..like i don't hate it, i just get so throned off by it. like i just have no idea what to say..and when we'll both just end up babbling about nothing untill he gets bored and says he'll call me later. like last friday he was kinda insisting that we should do something friday, he was like "yeah i got all the mics set up and the protools going". so he was like..alright, i'll call you later. so i waited, and then decided to be nice and break my rolls of lady and waiting for him to call me even if he doesn't want to. so yeah..i pretty much got screened. it right to voice mail right after 2 dails. but what ever..he missed out, i was totally going to gibe it up and hoe it up that night. i would have pretty much pushed my self onto him. like just wow, i wasn't even a good state of mind..i was so sick. so much was going through my head..which i will def save for next post..most likely sunday..lol god this blog is letting me just pour it all out..cuz no one will never read this..besides a few others. like i don't even think Guillermo is DL or Discrete in my opinion..cuz if he were, he would have tore my shit up already. it's obv he likes me..but he just isn't sure, like something is something this from happening. maybe it's me and my over thinking. or he isn't sure of his self and liked boys all along. like i know there's more then that little sexual tension in the air. i think it's a legit and honest crush but a little more. and for the first time ever i'm sure a crush likes me back. maybe not as much as i want him to, but he does. maybe in a few months we'll have our time together, and just enjoy it as long as it last. who knows. but yeah...i miss him, a lot. i can't wait till he calls/IMs me. i can see our fling lasting for a while. for the first time ever, i think i'd be more content on being on the side. only with him though lol. lol shit i'm scared to see what my next dream(s) will be..hopefully something will happen!