Something Worth Regreting.

like, have you ever felt like doing something worth regretting once? like have you ever want to get hurt on purpose so you'll feel and be reminded that you're actually human? like i can't believe that i slightly have a chance with Guillermo..a guy that i've seriously wanted for a while now. like it makes no sense kinda like he's the first cute guy that's showing interest in me and i'm just willing to throw my self at him. like our time together is just indescribable, like he looks me directly in the eye every time he speaks to me or vice versa..like it just doesn't make any sense. like he treats me somewhat differently then he does everyone else. like i don't want to say he gives me tons of attention because he doesn't..like, he would sing when i ask him to, no one can get him to do that..he tries to start up some kind of small talk with me..but not when others are around..well, it was like that in WLAS. like the shit just doesn't make any sense to me. like, he's so cute in his own way. i've never met a guy like this before. like from the build of his body, to the awkward yet silly warm grin. like..he just makes me feel weird things i haven't in a while. i wish things wouldn't be so, confusing? like i know there's a connection there...like he's lost and doesn't know what to do most likely. he enjoys my company..like who picks up another male at 11:30 at night. like idk..i need to figure out my game plan..like i know i can never have him completely, but his body and occasional company will be enough for now. like, the random phone calls i get about absolutely nothing, along with the randomly lonely IM's at crackish hours of the night. but here's the drama part of it! Guillermo has a girl friend. Ral told me she's ugly and dude would pretty much fuck anything with a vag and walks. Krissy said she's skinny as fuck..and according to Megan, Mexicans like their somewhat thick with curves. so who knows, maybe she's his cover-up, he thinks he's in to her, or he just has terrible taste in women? blah! and then it gets worse...he's actually pushed his self onto Krissy on many occasions. the last time was a few weeks ago, and she told me so many bad things he said to her. i've even seen parts of the convos when he would say he's coming over to do shit with her. but then..Monday, she's all like..don't tell ral! and then she pretty much told me the same story again what happened last week along with one minor addition. THEY HAD SEX, like whoa! honestly..i'm lost and don't know what to believe. mainly cause she went ahead and told Ral that i liked Guillermo a while ago. it's like wtf! so who fucking knows, maybe he talks to her about me? cause back in the day when i use to talk to Krissy and ask if he's straight or not..she'd go, i have no idea? so who knows, maybe he's bi..DL, or just a freak. all i know is, we have a little something there..and i don't know how to light this fire. on top of that, i'm not even sure if Krissy is trying to cock-block or she's telling the truth. and then on top of that, she said he was horrible..and then said some really bogus things to her afterwards to make his self feel better for being lousy in bed. like honestly, i don't think that's true. maybe he felt that he liked her..mainly cause she's one of the closet females to him a while ago..maybe there'll be some feelings..and turns out there wasn't. i'm praying his mouth isn't as bad as she made it seem. like i'm not sure what to believe and i shouldn't even put my self in this situation but somethings making me continue to talk to him, even though i already found new people to start this new project with. like in the back of my mind i feel like something like Sherman will happen again, but with a better turn out. not exactly spend our lives together, but i actually get something out of it more then a scared heart. i really want him to kiss me first before we do anything. if we kiss before we have sex, it'll mean so much to me, mainly cause that will mean he might want something a little more then just messing around when he's bored. i'm not expecting much from him..but i just want a good time and a little attention and affection..just someone to be with when i'm upset kinda. like he's just so cute to me, i don't get it. like the way he does things, and his body. like the build of a foot ball player but not exactly at the same time. he's perfect besides the fact he's a tad short and prolly will be pretty big after eating pizza a lot in a few years. i'd put up with him, but he isn't trust worthy yet. he's going to be 21, he's at the prime of his life..why in the hell would i expect to be able to pin him down. hell to the naw. but yeah, i miss him, and he's acting a little weird now anyways. but idk, the more i think about this, the less the shit is going to happen. i guess i got everything i wanted to say out and more. i just gotta thank ryan for helping me out in this time of need. i will have that mexican, atleast once. srsly.