it's on fire, and it doesn't exist.

so, it's done..well, atleast i think so. amd that's a problem. i let him tell me that i'm not going to quit. but i thought about it. i'm not gonna let this shit happen, i'm done and that's it. now i'm having a nice long somewhat insightful convo with berto. like looks like i might have to move if shit gets serious, and honestly..that might be the case, srsly. like i'm just sick of it. honestly, like wow. like dude's a liar, he uses the fuck out of any one he thinks he could, he's greedy, thinks only of his self most of the time, over dramtic, doesn't think before he opens his mouth, and the list just continues to go on. like idk..he's seriously an asshole and he's okay with that. i know you gotta be on your shit and bold to make it in this industry, but then it's like lying isn't going to get you anywhere. he lies so much, like it makes no sense. like he tells me i'm not dedicated, and he's the most dedicated..when ever i went to promote our shows, was he any where to be found? nope! like god man, there's more phsical then actually sitting ony our ass infront of a computer when it comes to running a band when it doesn't come to music. like god, and every time we had to do something, i was the one that had to figure out how we were gonna get there. like a lot of the times i had to stand up and be the leader. when ral said he was the leader and front man of this band. like wtf. on to other things, i'm just worried about me finding ppl willing to play the shit i've been writting. and just finding the right ppl over all. cuz like we all know i'm picky, esp now cuz i don't want to settel. like it just worries me, like idk i have so many ideas and it just feels like i'm never going to find that group of ppl that has the same motive as i do. i don't want to change the word, but i want to make some great music. i want to be the soundtrack to ppls lives. i want ppl to be excited that we're going to be in their city. i want so many things, yet i don't have the tools to do so. like gosh, i just want to be this amazing emo band that's slightly changed the game and made music actually worth listenign to, something that ppl can just listen to and feel better. like how circa survie use to make me feel. like idk, i'm done talking to berto. but today i had my first real work out. and it was intese, like idk. i need to do better about what i eat. like mannnnn, i plan on doing this every night till i see some progress. i'm preparing my self in every way. i'm working out, i'm going to get my license. i'm gonna start on school while i have the time and continue to work on my songs. and my other plan is to get a job, work on getting my rig fully set, and some kind of van. i have a feeling i'm going to most likely end up getting my own cuz i'm never going to stay happy in one band, unless the grace of God permits it to. like i've just been thinking to my self..i'm a good person right? i'm human too right? maybe megan's right, i don't allow my self to feel and hurt. maybe i do tyr to act like i go numb so i can't feel the hurt. idk. there's just been so much on my mind and i need employment fast. i need to get started on my rig. once i'm done with that and i got my guitar i'll be set. esp once i get my van. but it feels like that'll never happen, i need to get this done so fast. once i do i'll be able to do anything. i'll be able to go any where, and play anywhere. so like idk..shit just needs to happen over the summer. i need to have my van by aug. that is going to be my goal i guess, i need to have my van. like my rig shouldn't be too much..i need some type of other delay pedal..my reverb pedal and of course a thrashy metal pedal along with a volume pedal. all of that, including the actual board..it should be ROUGHLY eh, 800 bucks. well, possibly cheaper after i do some good shoping and resherch cuz i need my shit to be legit as hell. now for the head..i think i might be trading it in for another marshall or idk..i gotta look. then what ever i do i'm gonna get an ata case for it and possibly an EQ and power supply so it won't blow. all of this should most likely be over 1000 and that's just my head rig and my pedal rig. but like i said, it might be lower if i'm blessed and i have a feeling i will be. i gotta do more praying. i need you more then ever Lord. srsly, i'm calling you out to come and take over my life. i want to be for you. i know this is what i want to do with my life and you blessed me with the music i play in my room for the past 6 months. you're blessing me with the talent that's provied. and i can't thank you enough. you gave me the strengh and the understanding that i don't need Raleigh to make it. honestly, thank you. i pray that i'll lose weight, get all the things i need..and not WANT, and hopefully a van by the end of the summer. let the games begin!